


when i look into your eyes (how much i need you) it's so hard to hide

by cefmoon



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Timeline, Canonical Character Death, Character Development, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Iruka is my baby, Kakashi is a little possessive, M/M, Sakumo was a good dad i'll die on this hill, Tsunade is the ally we deserve, a little bit tho it's not that bad i promise, but i changed a few lines because fuck canon, no beta read cause i don't have any friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24779674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cefmoon/pseuds/cefmoon
Summary: Kakashi and Iruka were hiding.Until they weren't.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 11
Kudos: 247





	when i look into your eyes (how much i need you) it's so hard to hide

They were hiding.

Truth was, this thing between them was still relatively new, there were still too many layers to unveil, too many secrets and insecurities to share, too much darkness to shed light to left; so for the moment, they had agreed to keep it to themselves.  
It was okay, really, Kakashi was a private person and Iruka didn't really mind as long as they were together.

The brunet wouldn't admit it yet, but he was thoroughly happy about finally having the jounin by his side.  
After all, it had taken Kakashi three months to let Iruka in, three whole months they had spent dancing around each other, stealing glances when they thought the other wasn't looking and sharing shy smiles, hands lingering for a little too long in the process of handing off mission scrolls.

Iruka had waited patiently for the most part; Kakashi suspected that the brunet had known about his interest all along, and he was glad that the chunin had been tactful enough to understand that he was still not ready to jump into it.  
As time passed though, the tension between the two increased, (e.g. their ugly confrontation during the chunin exam nomination) and there had been multiple occasions where Kakashi had noticed Iruka starting to hesitate, the chuunin would later admit that he had started to doubt the nature of Kakashi's intentions thinking that maybe the jounin was just playing with him. So the jounin had had to reassure him that he wasn't.

"Wait for me, sensei." Iruka had found the little note on his vest pocket with a henohenomoheji drawn at the bottom, one afternoon after a long day at the Academy.

"Not yet." Kakashi had teased, winking to a close to be pissed off Iruka, leaving the other ninjas in the mission room a little confused.

"Soon." Kakashi promised in a whisper two months into their little game, his body leaning toward him slightly, his hand shooting up to put a stray piece of auburn hair behind Iruka's ear, his touch trailing down a blushed scarred cheek.

At this point they had already started spending more time together, Kakashi joining Iruka and Naruto when he saw the two at Ichiraku's or in the regular strolls they took around the village, but when that hadn't been enough, because Iruka's presence in his life was addictive; the chemistry between the two of them so good it left them feeling tingly all over, Kakashi had started to wait for Iruka's shift to be over so he could walk to chunin home.

Their talks had also started to be deeper now; Kakashi had been surprised when he'd realized that for such an open person, Iruka held a lot of himself away from people; his side of the conversation always ending up drifting to his students, friends, or simpler things of life when he started to get too personal.  
In that aspect, they were similar, Kakashi realized, but also very different; they both avoided topics but in an entirely opposite way.  
The jounin closed himself off and made some bad jokes, mostly suggestive ones because he adored the brunet's flustered expressions, but Iruka simply changed the subject in such a natural way that if Kakashi hadn't been an actual genius he would have never noticed.

"Now?" Iruka asked a month later after Kakashi had slipped inside his apartment through the window, -a common occurrence by now- with his mask already off and his heart racing inside his chest.

The jounin had simply swooped Iruka in his arms and kissed the brunet's lips like his life had depended on it, making sure to pour all the repressed desire and fondness he had been accumulating for months like a fucking idiot. They had wasted so much time being apart, so Kakashi had felt rather strongly that they needed to make up for it in kisses...

And well, a little touching.

Okay, a lot of touching.

But Iruka hadn't been against it; judging by the way he had literally whined when Kakashi had pulled away to ask if it was okay, quickly yanking the jounin back down toward his warm slightly chapped lips, his hot heavy calloused hand dropping to grop him inappropriately, making Kakashi's head start spinning.

After that, they had agreed to be together and stay together, but that didn't translate to the public eye. They didn't really avoid each other, everyone knew they got along as friends, so they kept it the same as they were when behind closed doors, except for the kisses and touches. Kakashi kept bothering Iruka as often as usual, and Iruka kept scolding Kakashi like he was one of his students every time the jounin said something inappropriate or delivered a badly written report.

"Don't I get special treatment, sensei?" Kakashi asked when they were in bed together after being yelled at by Iruka that afternoon. "I mean, I literally just sucked your-"

Iruka sat up with a look in his eyes so terrifying it had worked to shut Kakashi right up. "Finish that sentence and I will never let you close to it again." the brunet threatened.

Kakashi simply chuckled and wrestled him back into bed, ready for a round two of catching up on wasted time.

So yes, it was still new. Kakashi would leave Iruka's apartment before falling asleep on the bed because he still couldn't sleep next to another person; he wasn't used to it, and he didn't want the chuunin to know that he had nightmares that made him wake up sweating and panting. Not yet.  
And Iruka felt relieved at Kakashi not spending the night, because Naruto was asleep in the room down the hall and they couldn't risk it, even with silencing wards in the room. He didn't want Naruto to get attached to the idea of his two senseis being together when neither of them knew if it would last. If they stopped seeing each other, Naruto's feelings could get hurt.

They needed time, to get used to each other, to learn boundaries and how to respect them, to find the rhythm, and adapt to each other's paces.

For now, exploring things with hesitant baby steps was enough.

* * *

They were hiding.

Iruka liked taking strolls around the village, shopping or simply taking advantage of whatever little free time he had away from work to stretch his legs. It always made him feel happy. The fresh air of the village mixing with the scent of different types of food every time he passed by stalls and restaurants was so familiar it felt like a warm hug. Konoha was home, that had been something his parents had taught him since birth. His mom, Kohari, had come to the village when she had been fifteen and running away from Kirigakure so ever since Iruka had a memory, he could recall her mother's words of how important belonging was.

The feeling had gotten even stronger when the Third had come into his life. Hiruzen had been adamant to let Iruka know he was the person with the strongest will of fire he knew, and the chuunin never doubted it.  
He loved Konoha, he always had and always would. He loved the fresh air, the tall trees, and the dirt streets, he loved the old buildings and his classroom in the Academy. He loved his comrades, his students, and the old lady at the market who always sneaked a hand inside his shopping bag to give him free spices when she thought he wasn't looking.

He knew Konoha like the back of his hand, every little hole in the wall restaurant and bar, every shortcut and turn, every one of his students and every one of the shinobi he had worked with.

That was a reason on the list of why they were hiding.

Shinobi were secretive, even when Iruka knew a lot of them, almost all thanks to his job at the mission desk, he couldn't really say that he actually knew a lot about their lives apart from their names, rank and the little things they were willing to disclose. There was a selected amount of information about each ninja from Konoha out there, and it almost never included their love lives.

Unless they were married or stable enough to go public about their relationships, Konoha ninja kept their significant others to themselves in a protective but completely reasonable manner. When Iruka thought about it, other than Kurenai and Asuma, there weren't any other public relationships in the village (that weren't married with children already) which meant he had never heard nor seen a same-sex relationship in Konoha.

He had his suspicions about Kotetsu and Izumo, but no one truly knew with those two. They could perfectly be a couple of best friends who have chemistry in the battlefield, somewhat like Ino-Shika-Cho. Kakashi, on the other hand, was a loyal believer of Genma and Raidou being a thing, but Iruka didn't really see it, not with the way he had caught Genma looking at Shizune's... assets on multiple occasions around the mission room.

That was enough reason for him and Kakashi to keep their relationship between themselves. He didn't know how the people would react if they knew about them, and he was scared to find out. 

Kakashi wouldn't really care, Iruka was sure of that. The jounin was a pro at ignoring other people's opinions of him, he had made sure to perfect that particular skill after what had happened to his father, not that he had told the chuunin about it, because the name Sakumo Hatake never came out of Kakashi's mouth, but Iruka was clever enough to make the connection.

Iruka, on the other hand, did care about what people thought of him. He lived in Konoha all year round, he barely took missions anymore, his schedule too tight to actually go out for more than an afternoon, and he actually interacted with the villagers. He knew that same-sex couples were perfectly legal and could also get married, adopt and take last names, he had investigated about it the second he had realized he had felt more attracted to Mizuki than Anko; but that didn't mean people wouldn't frown upon it.

Plus, he couldn't risk it either, he had a job that he loved, and he knew the conservative parents --cough Hyugas cough-- of his precious students would most likely disapprove of his sexual orientation; and if it eventually came down to it, he would lose his position as Academy teacher. His name and rank were not prestigious enough to go over a renowned clan's demands.

"Lost in thought over there, sensei?" that familiar voice snapped Iruka out of his musing.

Kakashi stood there with his usual eye smile and lazy slouch. Iruka then realized he had subconsciously walked all the way to the long trail near the village's gates and had sat down on his regular spot on one of the benches.

It was a surprise, seeing him out when it was barely past ten in the morning. Iruka had made sure to get out of bed as silent as possible to avoid waking his lover up. Kakashi had returned from a mission two days before and was still recovering from some chakra exhaustion.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Iruka acknowledged, smiling maybe a little too brightly. "Yeah, it seems I got a little distracted."

"Nothing bad I hope." the jounin said lightly but Iruka noticed the way his shoulders tensed.

He quickly shook his head, hands stilling on his lap. Kakashi arched a thin silver eyebrow and cocked his head to the side, his grey eye searching for tells in Iruka's face, who knew that hiding things from his boyfriend was basically useless. Kakashi always seemed to know when something was wrong with him, nothing ever went over that ruffled silver-haired head.

"I was just worrying over Naruto, like always." it was a lie, and he cringed at the way his eyes quickly drifted to his toes to avoid the jounin's searching one.

It had been four months since the loud blond's departure with Jiraiya-sama, and Iruka did in fact worry about his well-being most of the time, so it had been an easy excuse. He had actually received a letter a week before, a scroll full of Naruto's ramblings about jutsu and the Sannin's perverted behavior that Iruka had deliberately avoided reading.

Kakashi pretended to believe it. "Maa I'm sure he's doing just fine, sensei. I bet he's annoying the life out of Jiraiya."

Iruka grinned, looking up to the man and noticing the pack on his back. The chuunin's heart and smile dropped miserably.  
So that was what had made Kakashi get out of bed so early, Tsunade-sama had called him for an emergency mission.

"Going away?" Iruka asked, a tightness in his voice that hadn't been there before. He tried to compensate with a smile but what came out was more of a scowl.

It was Kakashi's turn to look at his toes. His body slumped significantly as he took a breath. "Yeah, duty calls."

They had plans for dinner, Iruka remembered bitterly. He knew that getting upset about Kakashi doing his job was stupid, but he couldn't help it. They had been barely seeing each other lately.

It wasn't anyone's fault, he forced himself to remember too, even when he wanted to pull Tsunade's ear for overworking the jounin so much. Now that Sasuke was out there doing who knew what, Naruto was away too with Jiraiya and Sakura had been taken under the Hokage's wing, Kakashi was back to taking missions like a regular jounin.  
It was the life they had chosen, and protecting the village was always the priority.

"I see. Well, don't let my brooding stop you," Iruka said, hiding his disappointment under a smile, hands curled on his lap repressing the urge to reach out to the jounin. "Have a safe journey, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi scratched the back of his head, his posture tensing at the honorific. Iruka knew that it had been a low blow, but he also knew that Kakashi understood he was upset at the situation and not at him.

"Thank you."

And with that the jounin was gone, hurriedly stepping over building roofs and tree branches to avoid the temptation of dragging Iruka away, to a more secluded place, and kiss him senseless. The idea was seductive but they both were aware of the many risks it implied; Konoha had eyes and ears everywhere.

Iruka watched him disappear in the horizon, shoulders slumped and a sour taste in his mouth.

 _One day_ , he though with a grim smile pulling at his lips, _I'll hug you goodbye as you deserve._

* * *

They were hiding.

Kakashi was back from a mission on a rainy afternoon.

Summer storms were no strangers to Konoha, and Iruka had been grateful for having the afternoon free from the mission room.  
He had been back from the Academy short before the rain had started and had been wise enough to pull Mr. Ukki inside from where the pot usually rested on the kitchen window. He had never been good at taking care of any living things, but the plant seemed to be resilient enough to survive under his hand while Kakashi was gone.

The moment Iruka looked up from his book and cup of tea, the kind he liked to drink in days like that one, he knew that something was off. Kakashi stood silently on the genkan like he always did when he returned, but there was something odd about the look in his single exposed grey eye.

They already had a routine, being together now for over two years and still going strong.  
Whenever Kakashi came back in one piece from a mission, the nature and outcome of it didn't really matter, the jounin liked to stand in whatever room Iruka was in and just look at him. He didn't talk, he didn't come closer, he just stayed where he was until his heart calmed down and the adrenaline wore off of his strained body. The amount of time did depend on how the mission had gone. There had been times when Kakashi had stood in the corner of, at this point, their bedroom (the jounin practically lived there already staying over more often than not) for the entire night and then had followed Iruka around the village all day.

The chuunin was used to it by now, although at first, he had to admit, the empty look in Kakashi's eye as he stared at him had felt unnerving, and Iruka had found himself blabbering silly things about his day just to feel less uncomfortable. It had taken him a good five months to realize that Kakashi felt comforted by his sheer presence in a room and that was his way to come out of the violent rush of post-mission haze.

_"Every time I come back..." Kakashi had said softly after a particularly bad mission that had taken him twelve hours to completely shake off._

_His voice had been so quiet Iruka had almost missed it because of his exhausted state. He'd already assumed the jounin had fallen asleep by the way he'd felt that familiar lanky body completely relaxed at his side, his bed partner's breathing even._

_They didn't really cuddle, truth was that ninjas didn't enjoy the constant touching and embracing, but Kakashi's cold scarred hand had found the brunet's under the covers._

_"Hm?" Iruka had prompted, shifting a little to try and make out his lover's silhouette in the quiet darkness of his room._

_Kakashi had taken a deep breath before speaking again, trying to find the appropriate words, reminding Iruka of how different they were in that aspect.  
The chuunin never stopped to consider his wording, he spoke hurriedly and passionately, Kakashi liked to call it impulsiveness, but Iruka refused to admit it.  
The same way Kakashi refused to admit that the only way he would open up and share his deep thoughts and feelings was when they were lying together in complete darkness._

_It was okay, Iruka had thought calmly, they would work on it._

_"Every time I come back, the moment I step through those gates and realize I'm home, in Konoha, it's like my brain goes on overdrive," Kakashi had whispered slowly, his warm breath brushing against Iruka's loose hair. "My chest gets tight and I just need to find you... that's why I stand and watch you. I'm wary of touching you, most of the time I'm still not calm enough to be absolutely sure I'm not gonna squeeze the life out of you if I hug you the way you like. So I simply look at you do whatever you're doing. It calms me down, seeing that you're alive and safe."_

_For the first time ever, Iruka had felt grateful for their dark environment masking the tears threatening to spill from his tired eyes. He'd wanted to pull Kakashi in his arms, to kiss those lips and slip under that battle-worn pale skin, but he knew that would be overstepping the jounin's boundaries, so he had simply squeezed his lover's hand with a wavering smile on his lips._

But this time, this time was different. Because Kakashi came close and touched him.

Iruka was sitting by the kotatsu drinking tea and reading the book about medical ninjutsu Sakura-chan had insisted him to check out for weeks, enjoying more the sound of the rain against the living room's window than the actual words in front of him, when Kakashi suddenly came from behind and simply sat down on the floor, his arms coming around to wrap around Iruka's middle. The jounin's unmasked face perched on the brunet's shoulder and went the extra mile by snuggling his nose on the chuunin's neck, inhaling soundly.

Iruka, after recovering from the shock of Kakashi's unusual post-mission behavior, laid the objects he had been holding down to warily put his warm hands over Kakashi's freezing cold ones on his belly. When the jounin made a small contented sound and squeezed a little harder, Iruka slowly leaned back until he felt his lover's firm chest against him, noticing that he had already taken off his hard flak jacket.

Kakashi's heartbeat took its time to calm down, Iruka concentrated hard on noticing the changes, so they stayed sitting there for a while, sharing body heat contentedly. The chuunin's calloused thumbs rubbed Kakashi's hands in slow steady motions, succeeding at grounding the jounin behind him.

When Kakashi started dropping small firm kisses on his neck, Iruka leaned his head to the opposite side to expose more of his sunkissed caramel skin. He shivered and didn't miss the way the jounin growled deep in his throat, his arms tightening in a possessive manner around him as if he was claiming Iruka for himself. Iruka's breath hitched and both of their skins suddenly turned feverishly hot, blood quickly rushing down south.

"This is us," Kakashi whispered quiet but firmly in Iruka's ear and took the lobe between his teeth, making the chuunin gasp and press further back against his chest breathlessly. "It's just ours. You and me."

Iruka nodded, heat pooling down his belly and breath rushing in and out of his lungs. His eyes squeezed shut as Kakashi slipped his rough and now hot hands under his worn shirt and ran them all around the chuunin's torso, making his skin break out in goosebumps. The jounin's teeth dragged down his neck, his sharp canines scraping the sensitive skin in a way it made the Iruka's back arch.

"Yeah?" Iruka breathed out, his voice embarrassingly hoarse. "Wanna show me?"

And Kakashi did, this time making sure to leave some prominent lovebites on the silky expanse of the skin of Iruka's neck, who secretly adored the jounin's primitive thing for biting but still reprimanded him after because he would have to henge the marks away to go to work.

Iruka wanted to know what had caused Kakashi to act that way but remained quiet; he could tell that it was definitely something about the mission he'd been sent to, an S-rank he obviously couldn't ask the details of, the information was confidential and way above Iruka's clearance level, the jounin would never share even if he was asked.

"If they find out about us... you're going to be in danger," Kakashi said, again when they were in the darkness of Iruka's bed hours later, lying next to each other. "If something happened to you..."

Iruka's breath hitched, feeling with dismay as his heart dropped inside his chest, but he nodded anyway. He knew better than to ask who "they" were or to remind the jounin that with their lifestyles anything could happen to either of them. He knew Kakashi himself knew it too, so Iruka simply hummed and smiled contentedly, his hand finding the jounin's under the covers and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Just us. That's enough." the brunet whispered, because it was, it had to be.

It was okay, Iruka thought calmly, letting his eyes drop shut, they would work on that too.

* * *

They were hiding.

And Kakashi died.

One second he was there, saving Iruka's life against Pain, and then a few moments later he was trapped under fallen rubble and debris, only his head sticking out, chakra escaping his body at an alarming rate.

He hadn't even thought about it, of course, he would have intervened to save any of his comrades, but when he had seen Iruka on his knees, bravely refusing to give up Naruto's location to the enemy, Kakashi had felt like his heart was trying to escape up his throat, a sense of pure fear spreading trough his body making the blood in his veins run cold. That was _Iruka_ , _his_ Iruka, facing the man who'd killed a member of the Legendary Sannin.

He had heard his own voice tremble slightly when he had told Iruka to run and get help for the fallen shinobi next to him, and the worry in Iruka's gaze told him he'd noticed it too. No one knew about them, Kakashi always maintained his indifferent attitude in public, but this time he couldn't hold himself back.

It had been a mistake, a stupid, basic mistake. Showing vulnerability, especially on the battlefield was a huge liability, and Kakashi didn't even remember when the last time his feelings had shown during a time like that had been. Probably the day Rin died.  
The way Pain diverted his gaze almost as if curious to give Iruka a last look, Kakashi knew he most likely wouldn't make it out alive.

Being a shinobi meant putting your life on the line in order to protect your people. Kakashi had made his peace with dying in battle at six years old when he made chuunin; it was dark really, that other kids his age were just learning how to write and hold a kunai when he was already watching people die at his hands.

Of course, he knew he was going to die in battle one day, even when he was one of the strongest in the village, Kakashi knew one day someone would be powerful enough to bring him down. Still, he couldn't say he was okay with it happening so soon, not now when he finally had someone to live for.

He'd had close encounters with death before, missions where he had thought he was not coming back from, but nothing came close to how it felt this time.  
The cold settling on his bones was unbearable and as chakra leaked out of him in the last efforts to use Kamui at the missile chasing Choji, he felt the life escape his body like sand scurrying from his fingers, lungs burning with the effort of drawing breath into them, the Sharingan pulsing painfully in his skull.

As consciousness slipped from his grasp and darkness enveloped him, he found himself desperately seeking that familiar warmth he'd come to know.

His mind recalled it vividly, that big smile and terrible, terrible laugh, the scarred nose scrunching up in such an adorable way it stole Kakashi's breath away, brown eyes so full of life it made him feel giddy. He yearned for the opportunity to see that face one last time, to feel the warm feeling he always got when the brunet was in his line of sight. Hell, he would take mad Iruka even when he was pretty terrifying with his sharp eyes and loud angry voice.

If Kakashi had been in other circumstances, he would have felt surprised by this, which was stupid, because after all the years they had spent together, he was aware of his love for the Academy teacher, but the jounin guessed he more often than not he tended to forget he was an actual human being with a heart.

Truth was, Kakashi had imagined his death as quick and painless, which honestly was generously hopeful of him; it would be more likely for him to be kidnapped and tortured to death than killed quickly. He guessed that dying of chakra exhaustion was the middle ground, it was slow but mostly painless. It felt like his body was shutting down slowly, lights turning off and eyes dropping shut.

_"You need to be more careful!" Iruka had hissed after sneaking inside the hospital room through the window._

_It was past visiting hours, so it was the best time to see his lover without anyone catching them. Kakashi had come back from yet another S-class mission. Well, come back was a generous term, he had been more dragged home by the pack, a consequence of abusing the Sharingan._

_"I'm in the hospital, I think I learned my lesson already, sensei." Kakashi groaned weakly, too tired to get mad at Iruka's attitude._

_He had almost died and the first thing his boyfriend did was scold him. What a warm welcome._

_Iruka's eyes softened like he had read Kakashi's mind. The way the chuunin could switch through moods so quickly would never stop to amuse him._

_"I'm sorry, I woke up to Bisuke whining about you being dragged back and it scared the shit out of me." Iruka sighed tiredly, rather falling on the empty plastic chair next to the hospital bed. "But you know I'm right. You're going to die of chakra exhaustion one day if you keep this up."_

It was almost poetic, the way those words Iruka had used to make him start caring about his own safety had been the cause of his death, but the foreshadowing felt like a kick to Kakashi's gut (and ego).  
He could almost hear the devastated strangled "I told you so" Iruka would say to him at the Memorial Stone because he was stubborn like that.

" _Iruka_." he thought in the last seconds of clarity inside his dazed mind.

The last flash of a picture, a memory, was projected in front of his closed eyes. It was from one of the nights he had accepted to go out to Ichiraku's with the kids and the chunin, before Sasuke's had run away and everything had fallen apart.

 _Family_.

His heart gave its final beats.

And then there was darkness.

Seeing his father again was not something Kakashi had thought possible. The jounin had never been a believer, so if he'd had to guess, he would've thought that the afterlife would be complete and utter darkness, where he would simply just stop existing. But there he was, in what looked like an empty forest with his dad sitting down a few meters away, waiting for him.

Sakumo looked the same as Kakashi remembered. The orange hue of the bonfire the man was sitting in front of only made the wrinkles on the corners of his mouth and eyes set more deeply in his skin.  
The sight alone made Kakashi's stomach churn.

Those marks on his father's skin were proof of the way he had lived his life, of the years and countless times he had spent smiling and laughing. Because contrary to people's beliefs, the White Fang of Konoha, even ruthless in the battlefield with sharp movements and stone-cold eyes, had been a firm but kind man, his gaze soft and voice gentle.  
Sakumo had always been adamant of making sure that Kakashi was taken care of, that he was a happy child even when Kakashi, who had always been too smart for his own good, made it difficult for him.

Sakumo had been a good father. Which was why Kakashi felt so conflicted.

He had spent so many years resenting his father for doing what he had done, the man's death had felt like the biggest betrayal of Kakashi's short life. But he was older now, wiser and understanding. He had to acknowledge that he had forgiven Sakumo a long time ago.

But letting go had always been challenging for Kakashi.

Sitting down next to him, the simple act of being near his father again, was enough to make tears start burning his eyes.

"I never imagined we would both die so young," Sakumo said, deliberately ignoring the way his son was rubbing his eyes to try and keep the emotions away.

"I feel old, though," Kakashi said, daring to steal another glance of his father's soft features.

It was true. He was only thirty years old, but in shinobi time, being alive for three decades was an eternity. And Kakashi was exhausted. His bones had started to feel heavier after he had turned twenty-five, his temper running short too. Iruka would laugh it off, poke at his worn ribs and sing-song _"Kakasofu"_.

Sakumo smiled, but it lacked humor. Kakashi frowned, his stomach twisting painfully. The gesture looked out of place on his father's face.

"I'm afraid that's my biggest regret," he said, sighing the weight of years and years of violence and blood. "Letting you follow my footsteps from such an early age."

"Times were different back then." Kakashi reminded him. "We were at war."

Sakumo set his jaw and looked ahead, his eyes expression so pained it stabbed Kakashi right in the heart. "Children are not soldiers." he said firmly.

Bitterly, Kakashi thought how well Iruka and Sakumo would get along. If the man had been there during the chuunin exams, he would have taken Iruka's side. Kakashi wondered if he would've listened to his father. Then everything would've been different. Better.

"I wasn't like other kids. I would have sneaked out and joined anyways," the jounin said stubbornly. "I don't resent you for that."

Sakumo turned to him, eyes filled with unshed tears and face twisted with years of regrets and pain. "But you resent me for what I did?"

Kakashi considered it for a few moments. He wished Sakumo hadn't done it, and he wished he hadn't been the one to find him. He wished his father had been there for him through everything that happened after, but he understood now. Times had changed, risking a mission to save your comrades was considered honorable, Obito had made sure to make that clear. Naruto too.

"I don't. Not anymore," Kakashi sighed, feeling a heavy weight lift off his chest. "What you did, risking everything to save your teammates... I'm proud of you."

The smile Sakumo gave him was enough to make a few tears rush out of Kakashi's eyes. His father looked so relieved, so happy, it made his face look younger.

 _I'm sorry for keeping you like this_ , Kakashi thought swallowing back his aching heart, _I should have said it earlier_.  
But there was no use for regret now. He was dead. Everything was over.

They brooded in silence, the fire cackling was the only sound around them. It was oddly relaxing even when he couldn't feel the heat coming out of it.

"I thought you would stop using that mask by now." Sakumo mused after a few more seconds of quietness. "Your mother would kill me if she knew I let you hide your face like this."

Kakashi smiled. He didn't know a lot about her, only the things Sakumo, Minato and Tsume had told him. She had been an Inuzuka, and judging by the stories of her temper, a scary one just like her relatives.

The mask had started off as one of his eccentricities, but after seeing the similarities between his and Sakumo's face, he had kept wearing it to save himself the pain of being reminded of his father's memory every time he caught sight of his own reflection.

"Maa, you know how it is, old habits die hard and all that," Kakashi said, but still pulled the cloth down.

Sakumo scoffed but then smiled. "I bet Iruka-kun doesn't appreciate it," the man teased, taking Kakashi by surprise. "Or maybe he does... it should scare the ladies away."

Dumbfounded, Kakashi blushed and resisted the urge to pull the mask back on. It was just his father. They were both already dead. It didn't matter anymore.

"How do you know about him?"

Sakumo considered him as the silence stretched between them, his eyes showing the same tenderness they would get when the man talked about Kakashi's mother. "Kakashi, I never left," he pointed at his son's chest, over his still heart. "I'll always be in there."

When had been the last time Kakashi had cried? He couldn't remember. But as tears streamed down his cheek he knew that it had been too long ago. He had spent too much time brushing everything away that it was due to come back to him at some point; and there was so much pain inside his chest, so much regret and grief wearing him down he felt like the tears would never stop.

He let it all go.

Sakumo's firm hand on his shoulder was too heavy, too real, but also weirdly comforting. Neither of them had ever been the emotional type, but feeling his father's touch after a lifetime of missing him was soothing in ways Kakashi's brain couldn't begin to comprehend.

"He seems to be a lot like your mom," Sakumo chuckled drily, gaze turning nostalgic. "Wicked temper but a genuinely kind heart, you better not mess it up... I bet he keeps you in line when your ego gets too inflated, you were always a little pretentious."

Kakashi snorted wetly, rubbing at his eyes because it was true, he had been a pompous brat growing up.  
But all humor drained off his body when he remembered that he would never get the chance to be with Iruka again. He would never get scolded, kissed, embraced, and made fun of by his Iruka again. He wouldn't get to see the dangerous edge in those golden brow eyes again, the adorable way his scar would move when he scrunched his nose, or watch those delicious lips fall open breathlessly in silent moans as he loved him again.

Kakashi sighed defeatedly. "Yeah, but it's over now."

"No. It's not your time yet, I can feel it," Sakumo's grip on his shoulder tightened one last time before letting go. "So you better go back to him and drop one of those masks, huh? You shouldn't be living in shame like this. You found love, Kakashi-kun, there's no reason to hide anymore."

"But, what are you going to do, dad?" Kakashi asked, dumbfounded. He didn't want Sakumo to stay in this cold forest alone forever.

His father smiled warmly. "Now that you've let me go, I can go see your mother. I bet she has a few words for me."

Kakashi woke up with a violent gasp, a pair of wet brown eyes looking at him with tears running down scarred cheeks. His father's words were replaying in his brain, and he knew Sakumo was right.

"It's over. Naruto did it. He saved us."

* * *

"No one can know of this," Koharu said firmly. "It's outrageous!"

Kakashi sighed heavily and couldn't even resist rubbing at his temples. He had been named Sixth Hokage only three weeks ago and the council was already on his ass like an annoyingly persistent rash.  
Iruka, sitting next to him, seemed to be trying his best not to lose his famous short-temper and simply tell the elders to fuck right off.

"With all due respect, Utatane-san. I don't understand what the problem is," Kakashi argued tiredly. "It is perfectly legal for two shinobi of the same sex to be romantically involved."

"That is not the problem, Hatake-sama," Homura intervened sharply. "It's unusual. We can't have our Hokage, the person who represents the village, as something calamitous like this. And you, Iruka-sensei. You're about to become headmaster of the Academy, children look up to you."

"Children have always looked up to me and I've always been 'calamitous', Homura-san," Iruka's cheeks turned red with indignation. "There is no changing who I am!"

 _Uh-oh_ , Kakashi thought noticing the way those golden-brown eyes ignited with that ferocity he had grown to adore over the years. Kakashi could and should probably reach out and try to calm his lover down, but at this point, he had learned to not get in the middle of Iruka's outbursts. Besides, there wasn't a lot else they could do; if the Council disagreed, Kakashi needed to listen to them. They were old and uptight and he sure wanted to see them in the middle of Iruka's storm, but at the end of the day, he'd have to do what they said.

"With all due respect, I have to disagree with you!" Iruka continued with a humorless laugh. "I've been working at the Academy since I was eighteen years old, I've dedicated my entire life to my students and this village! Kakashi here has been going on missions since he was six, he lost an eye twice, fought in two wars, and even died for Konoha! A-and you want us to keep hiding?! You can't respect us enough to let us live the life we want and deserve to live?!

"Utatane-san, Homura-san, Kakashi and I have been together for more than seven years now. It's not a whim, it's not just something that came out of nowhere, and even if it was, there shouldn't be a problem with it! We have served this village, and we continue to do so without asking for anything in return, but if you won't allow us to live in peace, as we are free, then I don't think this is the village I want to protect."

Iruka looked close to tears now, his breathing hard and elaborated, but somehow he managed to keep himself composed. Kakashi didn't have problems with maintaining his perfectly straight posture, hard eyes trained on the two elders, the perfect picture of a soldier; but he was beaming inside.

He didn't say it often, he didn't acknowledge it the way it deserved to be acknowledged, but Kakashi knew that the feeling spreading inside his chest was admiration; Iruka was strong in ways he knew he would never be.  
Kakashi had spent the majority if not all of his life with the ingrained knowledge that he was a pawn, a passive tool for Konoha to use. His ANBU years only reinforcing the concept of never questioning an order. But Iruka was different. Iruka always spoke up against injustices, he wasn't scared to use his voice and oppose to things he wasn't willing to comply. Iruka had balls and a heart too big for his chest.

The elders remained unfazed by the chuunin's outburst and a long and tense silence stretched over them; Kakashi guessed they were probably used to much more violent scenes after having to work with Tsunade, but he had to recognize that he would never be able to stay so neutral with the way Iruka's challenging and sharp eyes were fixed on them.

"Are you saying you would flee the village, Iruka-sensei?" Koharu asked almost dismissively.

Iruka's resolve stuttered.

He wouldn't. Neither of them would. Duty always came first, they both knew and lived by it.

Kakashi wished they had stopped hiding before, right after the enlightening encounter with his father, but with all that had happened right after, Sasuke, the war, Obito, Madara and Kaguya, they had barely had time to see each other at all. It was too late now.

Iruka stood up. He didn't need to answer, and judging by the way the elders were looking at him, they knew they had won. Kakashi bit his tongue as his lover rigidly bowed and left the room without sparing them another glance.

Kakashi swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling with dismay the familiar weight of guilt twisting his gut. It was his fault, if he had refused to take the mantle of Hokage none of this would be happening. He'd probably be at an onsen with Iruka taking the break he'd learned to admit he deserved.

He wished things were different, better.

Kakashi didn't want to go out and scream to the top of his lungs how much he loved sucking Iruka's dick because that wasn't him (and Iruka would kill him), he still was secretive and didn't talk about personal business with other people; but the smaller things like having to hide by pretending to still live at his apartment, or refrain from shooting Iruka a longing look in public, weighed on him in a way he'd never expected.

Who'd have thought Kakashi, the same man who covered his face since he had memory would struggle with hiding?

And he never wanted more to escape a situation; he wanted to go look for Iruka and apologize, to go home with him and stay there forever, ignoring the world around them for the rest of their lives. But he couldn't do that. Kakashi had to stay there and pretend like he wasn't feeling pure dread spreading through his body.

And he was sure the elders were enjoying his suffering because they extended the little meeting for two hours more, by the time Kakashi was ready to go home, the sun was already setting and his back was aching from the tension he had drawn in his muscles.

He hadn't expected to see Tsunade standing in her old office, hands on her hips and stern look in her honey-colored eyes.

"Brat!" she shouted with a wry smile pulling at her lips.

Kakashi sighed, already feeling a little lighter. She had been gone for a while, two weeks, to Kami knew where, and seeing her again was a relief. He had grown to warm up to her, she was a hard woman, but she cared deeply for other people. Especially him, not that either of them would ever admit it.

"Back in town so soon?" Kakashi drawled, stepping inside the room. "Did Shizune begged you to come back because I'm doing a terrible job already?"

Tsunade laughed and slapped his back with too much force but somehow he managed to stay upright.

"Nah, you're doing great, kid. Better than me at least," she said, noticing his wince and channeling healing chakra on her hand. "I'm helping Sakura at the hospital so I'll be around there for a while. I just thought to swing by and see how things are going around here."

Kakashi closed his eyes at the relief of her familiar and soothing chakra brushing through his strained muscles. "As you can see everything's just peachy."

Tsunade hummed knowingly and snarled, "The Council is already giving you shit, huh?"

"How could you tell?" Kakashi asks sarcastically, drawing a snort out of her.

"I saw my best sensei run out the building like his ass was on fire so I'm guessing they want you two to keep it under wraps," she muttered, looking earnestly into his eyes. It was so weird, having two working eyes. He was still getting used to them.

Kakashi should've felt more surprised; Tsunade knew, she had known all this time, but if he thought about it, now that he was in her place, it made sense. She had been the Hokage so nothing could go unnoticed by her. Especially not with her favorite jounin. Kakashi wondered how much she knew and how she had managed to not say a word about it for so long.

"Yeah. He got upset and left." Kakashi said darkly.

"So what are you going to do?" Tsunade asked, arching her thin blonde eyebrows.

Kakashi couldn't help but feel like she was testing him. "Is there something to do?" he asked.

"Of course there is!" she yelled, startling a couple of birds outside the windows. "You can either do as they say or ignore them and be happy."

Kakashi frowned. "I can ignore them?"

Tsunade looked like she had been slapped in the face for a moment, but then her eyes softened in a way Kakashi had never seen before and smiled. "As far as I know, there are no rules or laws against same-sex relationships, so yeah you can ignore them.

"They're like a thousand years old, what are they going to do? Ask you to resign? There are no other possible suitors for the title unless they want to give it to the blond knucklehead already, which I highly doubt because he knows jack-shit about diplomacy."

Kakashi scratched his head and contemplated her words. Tsunade seemed to have a point, and he felt the fluttering wings of hope in his chest, but going against orders felt alien to him like he was betraying the village even though he knew he wasn't. And what about Iruka? They couldn't ask Kakashi to resign, but would they sabotage Iruka's promotion?

The blonde huffed impatiently at his hesitancy and Kakashi started to suspect perhaps she felt his dilemma stronger than necessary.

"Don't make me get all soft and mushy with you, brat!" she threatened pointing a sharp lavender nail at him but when Kakashi only seemed more hesitant, Tsunade visibly deflated. "You're in charge now, Kakashi. You're the one with the power to change things around here. Stop waiting for someone to give you a damn scroll with instructions!"

Kakashi mulled over her words all the way home. He walked down the streets of Konoha slowly, missing his copy of Icha Icha in his hand. Normally, after feeling conflicted, he would resort to going to the Memorial Stone to think while talking to his fallen people. But after the war, after seeing Obito alive again and then dead, things had changed within him.

It's still a process, but Kakashi could see and feel himself more at ease than ever before. He still had nightmares and flashbacks, there were days where his mind drifted off to his deceased loved ones and he felt the pang of guilt in his gut. But otherwise, he knew that ever since his own death and deep talk with Sakumo, his life had taken the road of learning to let go. The fact that he no longer had the Sharingan helped a lot too. The eye had been a constant reminder of the blood staining his past, and even though he was grateful for Obito giving it to him as a gift, Kakashi felt as though he never should've gotten it in the first place.

His mind replayed the words spoken the last time he had seen Obito, already collapsed on the ground, crimson liquid dripping down his chin but his eyes looking peaceful.

_"I'm finally going to see Rin... I'm finally going to rest," he had coughed up showing a small smile with bloody teeth. "You need to let go, Kakashi, y-you deserve to be happy."_

Did he? Did he really deserve to be happy?  
In the past, Kakashi wouldn't have hesitated to say that no, he didn't, but now he felt conflicted.  
He didn't know if he would ever forgive himself for everything that had happened, but he was trying to. And Kakashi wanted to be happy, he really did.

Because being happy meant long hugs, yellow walls and messy clothes; it meant bittersweet tea, calloused hands and tender smiles; it meant mixed laundry, sharing blankets and the scent of ink and sunshine lingering on his pillow; it meant teasing smiles, sharp looks and a little bit of yelling once in a while.  
Being happy meant having Iruka in his life.  
Being happy meant spending the rest of his life with him.

And suddenly Kakashi realized he was being selfish. It didn't matter whether he deserved happiness or not, because even if he didn't, Iruka certainly did. Iruka deserved to be able to tell Naruto about their relationship, Kakashi knew how much it hurt the brunet to hide it from his son. Iruka deserved to stop having to pretend to be too busy so that his friends would stop trying to set him up on random dates.

Kakashi inhaled, his lungs filling up with conviction, and abruptly turned around, changing his destination. When stressed, he usually went to the Memorial Stone, but Iruka did something different.  
Kakashi rushed through rooftops, sending Cat, his personal ANBU shadow, a signal to stop following. He could almost hear Tenzo's resigned sigh.

He made his way to the training grounds near the lake, knowing that Iruka favored the humid wind and the water to soak into afterward. Kakashi found him without effort, and smiled when he saw that the brunet wasn't alone but sparring with Izumo, Genma watching closely with his arms crossed and an enthusiastic Anko yelling encouragements from up a nearby tree.

Kakashi quickly dropped down next to her, balancing himself on the tree-branch.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Hokage-sama?" she leered, laughing at his tired look.

"I'm looking for someone," Kakashi said, baiting her slyly.

Anko raised a purple eyebrow. "And who that might be?"

Kakashi shrugged, rolling his tired shoulders, and sighed. "My boyfriend of seven years," he muttered casually but felt something twist nervously inside.

Anko sputtered, looking bewildered, clearly trying to determine if he was being serious or not. But before she could find the words to question his words, Kakashi dropped on the ground, quickly dodging a kunai meant to hit Iruka and got closer to the pair.

Izumo was first to see him, being the one facing Kakashi. The chuunin's hit faltered and gave Iruka the opening to land a kick to his middle, causing him to fly back a few meters. The fact that Iruka hadn't noticed him yet meant that he was too worked up to feel Kakashi's chakra approaching.

"What was that Izumo? Focus!" the brunet complained, hurrying to help his friend back on his feet.

Izumo pointed towards Kakashi with a shrug, causing Iruka to turn confused.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, sensei," Kakashi said, stuffing his nervous hands inside his pockets. "I was wondering if you're ready to go home."

"What?!" Anko squealed dropping from the tree and grabbing Genma's arm dramatically.

Iruka's face scrunched up, his eyes turning dead serious. "What are you doing?" he didn't need to say the words out loud for Kakashi to understand the question.

"I don't wanna eat alone tonight," he shrugged nonchalantly, but his eyes said other things.

 _"I love you, I wanna do this, I'm sure_."

Iruka's eyes softened and shone with unshed tears. They looked at each other for a few more seconds, a thousand things being said without words. Kakashi was scared, but there was no going back, and the way his heart was hammering inside his chest wasn't as bad as he had thought.

After all this time, it felt like the right thing to do.

"Iruka?" Izumo hesitated, looking between the two of them.

Iruka blinked and looked at his friend with a shy smile. "Sorry, Izumo, I think I need to take a raincheck."

Kakashi sighed with relief and had the decency to give Izumo an apologetic look, who looked even more confused.

"Ready?" Kakashi asked, head tilting to the side.

Iruka smiled softly and nodded.

"Let's go home."

The three shocked shinobi watched the pair walk away, shoulders brushing, and sharing small smiles.

Genma groaned pitifully, "Damn, I owe Raidou a lot of money."

**Author's Note:**

> is tsunade too out of character? i don't know :/
> 
> i'm back!! did y'all really think that i (a raging lesbian) would disappear on pride month? i don't think so!!  
> HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!! whether you're in or out of the closet, you're VALID and i love you!!!! <3  
> i have been working on this fic for way too long but with everything that's happening in america, yemen and poland (please sign petitions and donate if you can) my mood hasn't been the best to write lovey gooey stuff so that's why i'm so late.  
> as always, thank you so much for reading and feel free to comment on what you think i deeply appreciate your input!
> 
> come say hi on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/wlwiruka) :)


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